I Now Pronounce You Biscuit and Wife
by Roxanne the Laugh
Summary: Let's just say there are wedding bells for the Hornmeister and Kittykat...


_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters... They belong to the amazing Louise Rennison.**_

**1. You May Kiss Your Kittykat**

Monday, May 12

**10:40 am**

Blimey O'Reilly... I'm marrying Dave the flipping Laugh today. Over the last three years we've been living together in London. I've been working for Cosmopolitan magazine: I have my own gossip column. And Dave has been travelling up and down the country due to his sell-out comedy stage show. He hasn't changed one bit over the years. He's still a vair cheeky cat and overly confident. Eleven months ago, he'd even pulled me up on stage, during one of his shows. He made some big joke, about how much of a loon I was: then he proposed.

'But... That's why I love my Kittykat. She's so fabbity; and I was hoping, that she'd consider become Mrs. Laugh.' He was in the middle of the stage on one knee. It was totally like, one of those dreams, where you turn up to school in your nuddy pants. Except, I wasn't in nuddy pants and Dave was on one knee proposing. I felt like an umber prat on prat tablets. I couldn't speak.

**1 minute later**

Currently, I'm on my way to my own wedding ceremony. I haven't seen my gorgeous fiancé for a few days: because the Barmy Army took him on a stag weekend. I'd done my bit and threaten Rollo's manhood if Dave didn't make it back for the wedding. RoRo said I was vair bride-zilla.

'Gee... Tom won't have let Dave miss the ceremony.' Wow... Jazzy has a bit of Mystic Meg about her.

'They've probably left him completely nuddy in a ditch somewhere.' Jas didn't reply: she straightened out my veil. 'Or he'll probably be late.'

**2 minutes later**

Jas is on the phone to Hunky. Hunky said that Dave is standing at the altar. They're just waiting for the gorgey bride to arrive. A little smile played on my lips; whilst Jas asked, if Dave was nervous.

'Hmmm... He was sick last night. And he keeps running off to the toilet; but otherwise he's just peachy. What about Gee?' Jas looked at me.

'She was sick this morning... And she's been having a nervy b. about you guys, leaving Dave naked somewhere. Just tell Dave that she's fine and she'll be there in five minutes.'

**5 minutes later**

The car arrived outside the church: Jas helped me out because else I'd have tripped over my dress and landed on my botty. Vati was waiting to walk me down the aisle. Shortly after Dave had proposed I told my parents. Mutti burst into tears and Vati smirked.

'Hope the poor lad realises what he's letting himself in for.' I gave him the cold shoulder after that, but I know he's pleased for me. Nevertheless, Vati's face fell when I got out the car. I'll be taking that as a compliment.

**1 minute later**

Gadzooks... The Ace Gang look vair pretty in their bridesmaid dresses. It's the first time I've seen them all together. Their dresses are full length, teal in colour with a white sash around the waist. Jas had helped picked them. RoRo was horrified that they didn't have any fur on them.

RoRo is currently giving me evils. She wanted to wear her beard, but I've confiscated it until the reception tonight. Today would be perfect and that meant not having any mad Vikings in the wedding pictures. I already had the possibility that my groom would turn up in a red clown nose. I would definitely turn bride-zilla if he did.

**1 minute later**

Hunky has been filming our arrival. He looks very nice today in his usher suit.

Throughout the filming Jas has been fussing over my dress. My dress is traditional. It's white: a-line in shape with a sweetheart neckline. I knew it was the dress as soon as I put it on. It fits perfectly and I feel vair gorgey in it.

'Jas... Leave Gee's dress alone. She looks gorgeous.'

Robbie: I recognised his voice straight away. He was now standing next to Hunky. I smiled.

'You made it.' Robbie nodded. He's currently on the Dylans' third world tour, but he had promised to try and make the wedding. I'm so glad he's here.

**10:55 am**

Time to enter the little church.

Vati had offered me his arm, whilst Jas handed me my bouquet of roses.

I gulped: here goes nothing. Time to become the official Mrs. Laugh.

**1 minute later**

The organ started to play as we entered the church. All the guest stood up. I stared up the aisle to find Dave staring back at me. He looked vair gorgey-porgy today in his suit. His smile made me feel a little jelliod. I had to concentrate on placing one foot in front of the other.

**1 minute later**

Vati passed my hand to Dave.

'Hey Kittykat... You look very beautiful.' I smiled widely.

'The Biscuit doesn't look bad himself.' Dave laughed.

**11:02 pm**

The ceremony was vair marvy. I may have been a red loon by the end of it, because Dave kept telling moi that she was beautiful. The Hornmeister is going to make an adequate hubby, if for the rest of our lives he's going to be all mushy like this. I quite like this side of my Hornmeister.

**1 minute later**

We had written our own vows, because ole' Mrs. Vole suggested it. The Hornmeister and Kittykat aren't exactly traditional. I am having a nervy b. about what I've written. Dave wouldn't share his with moi. He wanted it to be a surprise.

'Kittykat. Today we start the newest chapter in own lives; and while I don't know what that may bring, I'll make sure it's your happiness, no matter how much that costs. From the moment we met I've known that you were the one; and as our relationship bloomed, I realised just how much I couldn't live without you. So, I take you as my wife today, in promise that I will protect and cherish you, no matter what challenges arise. I don't know why I fell in love with such a loon, but she's my loon and I will love and laugh at her for the rest of my life. That's if she promise that she'll always be mine.'

Wow. It's really freaky deaky the whole church has turned goldfish. That was vair Mr. Un-laughish. A rather large smile appeared on moi's lips. I was worried that Dave wouldn't take it vair seriously. Dave winked at moi. 'I love you, Kittykat.' The victor said it was moi's turn. I gulped.

'Dave... Nrrrghh.' Dave laughed.

'Kittykat is such a loon.' Charming Mr. Laugh.

**1 minute later**

'Georgia. You gonna to let the Biscuit hear your vows.'

Major case of giant red loon-osity. I'm such a lemon.

I'd completely forgot that I was supposed to be saying my vows.

**1 minute later**

'I promise that I'll always be yours. I choose you as my husband today; because you are the bloke I want to spend the rest of my life with. Over the years we've learnt to forgive each other. There are so many things which I wish I could've done differently... And so many mad things that I will never want to change. I promise, with all my heart, that I'll make you laugh for many years to come. I will be by your side for the rest of my life. Even when we're old and wrinkly: and our mad children have put us in some loony elderly peoples home. You're not just my lover: you're my best friend... And I love you.'

Dave smiled. The Hornmeister like moi's vows.

**11:49 pm**

The rest of the ceremony was perfectamundo. My new husband made el fule of himself, fumbling over moi's wedding ring. Dave had turned bright red. I had laughed. It made moi feel like less of a loon.

Dave didn't take long to return to his ole' self. 'Naughty Kittykat.'

**1 minute later**

The victor soon reached the end of the ceremony.

'I now pronounce you... Biscuit and wife. You may kiss your Kittykat.'

Dave flipped my veil and snogged me. Number 6.

_**A.N. One of my little side projects. It'll be a short little story covering the wedding, the wedding reception and the honeymoon (Ooo-err). Hope you all loved reading it. I'm a bit of a sucker for writing wedding scenes. Love RoxannetheLaugh x.**_


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